By Yuliya Welk

 

Our second pregnancy was planned and desired. After 3 months of trying, it happened! I felt good, tired sometimes, lightheaded and irritable (oh, those hormones!) other times. I ate really well, drank liquid chlorophyll and nettle tea – great sources of iron; and when my midwife checked the hemoglobin level it was well over the very good mark (10-14), it was 16!

 

I was planning a trip to homeland Russia where I haven’t been for three and a half years. I also wanted to show it to our 9-year-old son, Daniel. My husband George decided to stay home. Our trip was approaching and so was my 12 week mark. George, who is very close with Daniel, was not looking forward to being apart from us for a whole month.

 

Then three days before the flight I spotted some blood on the toilet paper. My midwife Savita assured me that spotting was very common. Sometimes blood vessels on the outside of the cervix pop from the increasing blood volume. The nest day I had a little heavier spotting. Savita said that in this case I might be starting to miscarry.

 

Both my mom and my friend in Russia kept assuring me that it happens and everything will be fine. My mom bled for 10 days and my friend spotted for 6 weeks and both had healthy babies. But my intuition was telling me different. When I first saw that blood I was very surprised and thought about all the possibilities right away. I decided right then that I’m OK if it’s a miscarriage. I just felt strongly that things happen for a reason, and was open to any experience. Of course I cried a little, and it was more of letting go than being sad.

 

To the relief of my husband we cancelled our plane ticket - whatever was the case, we needed to stay home and be all together at that time. George truly couldn’t believe until the end that we were going, maybe he knew all along? The next day (the day before the flight), the spotting changed to drips of mucousy blood. I took a really nice long nap, and started to get some cramps in the afternoon. They were getting stronger and stronger. We talked with Savita on the phone and tears of gratitude just kept coming when I heard her encouraging, warm, loving, and supporting words just letting me know that my body is strong, healthy and wise and it knows what to do.

 

Then cramps changed into contractions. I felt the strong need to be alone and found myself in the dark bathroom with a small light on and the door tightly closed. I asked George not to talk to me, not to come in there, explained that I was starting contractions and that it was painful. Myself, I felt ready. I knew exactly what was happening. Contractions were opening my cervix to let everything out, just like in labor. Having Daniel really helped my confidence and knowledge. I had him at home in the water with Savita present, so I knew what a pattern of a healthy labor was.

 

The contents started to come out soon after and were free form: dark red blood clots, the size of a quarter, some smaller, some bigger. They were very soft and reminded me of pieces of liver. After a series of contractions I had a small break and thought: Is that all? And then more – stronger, closer together contractions, and more coming out, and then again a break; and contractions as strong as real labor, back to back, barely 1 minute apart.

 

I was very comfortable on the toilet, and even thought: Next time I have a baby if I don’t labor in the water, I can do it just like this! I rocked back and forth, buried my eyes in my hands during the contractions and slipped in somewhere for a moment. I felt good that I could do it. Sometimes I got up and rocked from one foot to the other like a duck: that was OK. At one point I wondered: “When is it going to be over?” I was really feeling like I needed more energy. I asked George to bring me some honey and water and that was exactly what I needed.

 

Daniel checked on me a few times, poking his smiley face in, sometimes kissing my knee. Later George told me that he came out and said: “Mama is trying to poop.” So I was “pooping” for 5 hours.

 

The last 30 minutes I still had contractions but nothing big was coming out, just mucousy blood. I decided to call it a day, got up, cleaned the toilet, picked up the colander out of the toilet and wrapped it in a towel. I saved all the contents for a good reason. I wanted to take it to the river. It feels meaningful to do something like that. We saved Daniel’s placenta and planted it near our garden. This time I wanted it to float away symbolizing the letting go.

 

On a second day after the miscarriage it was a cool, wet, fresh, cloudy morning. We drove to Namekagon River and then stood on the bridge. By then all the pieces jellied together, so a big red clump fell in the river and was taken by the current. I went down to the water to wash the colander. I was crying a little bit, and everything around was just peaceful and magical. The birds were singing in the misty air, the river gently rushing by and a great blue heron flew right above our heads…all letting me know there is life.

 

Daniel knew about my pregnancy, we explained the miscarriage simply: that the baby was coming out now, it was its time. He was with us at the river and curiously looked in the colander. To a child at this age everything makes sense, is simply as is. There is no right or wrong, good or bad, he will take it the way the parent presents it. I think that including the child into life’s experiences will bring more harmony and understanding of the balance of life into his world.

 

I had some cramps for a full week after, they were gradually lessening; on the forth day, however, they got quite painful and sure enough the last bigger clot came out the next day. It can take 7 to 10 days for the body to expel everything, and after that, still spotting for a couple weeks. Trusting your body, believing in its self-regulatory functions and having patience were the best things that helped me through the process.

 

Most commonly women can complete a miscarriage at home, and many times now doctors send them home to wait until everything happens on its own. Watching the temperature afterwards and eating lots of natural yogurt to keep the possibility of an infection in check is very useful, as well as drinking raspberry leaf tea which is superb in regulating hormones and promoting uterine health. In any case the plan of action should be determined with your particular health care provider.

 

I feel that I’m not pregnant anymore, but I don’t feel empty. I feel that I gained all this experience! I had no idea what it was like to miscarry until now, and I’m still amazed at the process (I understand that earlier miscarriages are not as intense). Analyzing everything made all the pieces fit together into a bigger image.

 

George mentioned during the miscarriage that when I got pregnant, he had a darker feeling. I remembered having many dark violent dreams. I would wake up surprised, thinking: “I’m pregnant; it should be a light and happy feeling.” When I tried to imagine the character of the baby and how it would be when it was born, I had an uneasy feeling that I couldn’t explain.

 

Right now it feels to me that the sole purpose of this particular pregnancy was my chance to experience a miscarriage. Maybe to help me to be a better educator? I’m studying to become a certified childbirth educator, so I can teach independent prenatal classes to pregnant women and couples.

 

Miscarriages are pretty common in the childbirth world, one in five pregnancies as statistics say. Some of them happen very early when women don’t even know they are pregnant. And the fact of how common they are makes me think that it is a confirmation of nature’s perfect work to ensure that things are going to be just right.

 

Or maybe the purpose of it was to share this experience with others? People don’t talk about this subject much; some might feel ashamed, or too emotionally pained. We need to hear about the normalcy of a miscarriage as an important part of life. That way the shock, loneliness, and questions about what is normal and why will be eliminated.

 

Whatever your own personal experience and feelings about the miscarriage are, they are all valid and have the right to exist and be processed. I recognize that if that was my first pregnancy, my feelings would have been completely different. I can just hope that my story will bring some light, hope, peace, and reflection to your understanding of the spirit of the miscarriage. After all; it shapes our womanhood and adds another beauty mark upon our souls.