How to (not) talk to your children about nutrition and exercise

 

In one of my first parent workshops, a mom of a healthy nine-month old said, “I feel like I’m on a knife-edge between anorexia and obesity every time I feed my daughter.” Her anxiety may seem extreme, but she is not alone. A recent New York Times article explored the enormous energy many parents put into trying to teach their children to be healthy, to eat well and be active. "Every parent fretted over the right language to use with children." Schools are increasingly jumping into the mix with “nutrition education” primarily as a means to reduce obesity, with seven year-olds reading labels for fat and sugar content while losing recess to prepare for standardized tests.
All this fretting, worry and pressure doesn’t seem to be helping and it is likely making things worse. Eating disorders are on the rise (in younger children) as well as dieting and obesity rates, while overall nutrition suffers and food insecurity among children is at its highest since records have been kept. Parents who feed to influence weight, either up or down, tend to struggle and unwittingly contribute to the very outcomes they want to avoid. One large study in California found that worry about weight, more than socioeconomic status, weight status of the parents, formula vs breast milk, or even what the kids were eating, was the best predictor of accelerated weight gain.
Many parents today feed from a place of anxiety and fear which distorts the feeding relationship. Parents are taught to feed, not in a way that is responsive to and supportive of the child, but in a way that is intended to control weight – and it doesn’t work. Children as young as age four who are overly restricted and taught to fear salt, sugar, juice, or “junkfood” experience

shame and anxiety when enjoying those foods, and tend to eat more “forbidden foods” when they

have access.
I get asked all the time, “How do I talk to my child about healthy eating without making them worry or feel bad?” or, “How can I teach my child that junk food is bad for them without making them want it more?” I’ve seen resources for parents that advise telling kids about calcium, or Vitamin E for good vision, or sticker charts to track fruit and vegetable intake. I used to come up with answers and lists for how to talk about food (I couldn’t resist, so there are a few suggestions below) but recently I was hit with an A-ha, or perhaps a “duh” moment.
Stop talking about it. Stop trying to do nutrition education or portion control with your child. It doesn’t help, and it very well might hurt. Stop rationalizing and trying to educate. Kids under age 11 are not ready for most of today’s often questionable “nutrition” messages. They are pre-rational. I was recently talking with my mentor Ellyn Satter, and I mentioned how sometimes I will eat and say, “I’m so full” and then eat a few more bites. I was worried that my 4 year-old-daughter would get confused, so I started saying, “My tummy is full, but my mouth is still hungry” in an effort to teach her  the difference between satisfaction of hunger vs. appetite.  In fact, I thought this was pretty clever and I ran it by Ellyn to see what she thought. “Why do you think you have to say anything?” she asked. “Her job is to just do it, it will come naturally if you do your job.”
Ellyn was right. We talk too much. We feed ourselves and try to teach our kids to eat in a very rational and cognitive way, when eating is in essence a finely tuned internal process. Increasingly, the eating disorder and obesity literature are agreeing on nutrition education goals. It should be fun, experiential, honor variety and not talk about weight loss, avoidance or

deprivation. Think of that seven-year-old reading labels– how about growing cucumbers or red

peppers as part of science class and then preparing and eating them in home-room? Studies show that when we try to assert cognitive control over eating, we do less well. Why interfere? Why not teach by example, do our jobs as parents with support and structure with feeding and allow the child to tune in to internal cues of hunger and satiety without all the cognitive baggage of shoulds and shouldn’ts, diets, deprivation and cravings?
If children are offered mostly healthy food most of the time, roughly every 2-4 hours and are given the opportunity to be active on a regular basis in a way that is fun and sustainable, chances are they will do just fine. Honor variety, truly enjoy what you eat as a family, sit down to eat together, enjoy “forbidden” foods as a regular part of your intake and relax! Children raised in families that make a priority of providing meals and good foods at home will continue to provide for themselves when they grow up. Try talking about the soccer game or their upcoming theater class instead of the evils of high-fructose corn syrup. They might just eat that  broccoli when everyone is enjoying a pleasant meal and the pressure is off.
•If you are already in a situation where you are struggling with feeding and weight concerns, please see Child Of Mine, or Your Child’s Weight: Helping Without Harming both by Ellyn Satter at www.ellynsatter.com or my website www.familyfeedingdynamics.com for upcoming workshops and resources.

 here are a few phrases that I have found helpful instead of :You can’t have ice-cream again, it’s too fattening. try: We had ice-cream yesterday, and we don’t eat ice-cream every day. Aren’t we lucky we get to eat so many great foods? Wouldn’t it be boring if we had to eat ice-cream, or broccoli or  noodles every day?

instead of: If you eat that cheese, you’ll need to go to the park tomorrow for half an hour try: Let’s go for a bike ride after dinner, maybe we can stop by the park for a bit.
instead of: You can’t have candy from the party now it’s too much sugar. try : You can take the candy home and chose two pieces to have with dinner.
instead of: I have to go to the gym now so I can fit into my skinny jeans. try: I’m excited to take my yoga class. I feel so good when I get home.
instead of: Let’s find a diet that you can stick with. try: We don’t diet in this family. Can you tell me why you want to go on a diet?

•     Eat when you are hungry. Stop eating when you are full.

•     All foods can be part of healthy eating. There are no "good" or "bad" foods, so try to eat lots of different foods, including fruits, vegetables, and even sweets sometimes.

•     When having a snack try to eat different types. Sometimes raisins might be good, sometimes cheese, sometimes a cookie, sometimes carrot sticks or celery dipped inpeanut butter.

•     Remember: kids and adults who exercise and stay active are healthier and better able todo what they want to do, no matter what they weigh or how they look.

•     Try to find a sport (like basketball or soccer) or an activity (like dancing or karate) that you like and do it! Join a team, join the YMCA, join in with a friend or practice by yourself—Just do it!

•     Good health, feeling good about yourself, and having fun go hand in hand. Try out different hobbies, like drawing, reading, playing music, or making things. See what you’re good at and enjoy these things.

•     Remind yourself that healthy bodies and happy people come in all sizes, and that no onebody shape or body size is a healthy one or the right one for everybody.

•     Some people believe that fat people are bad, sick, and out of control, while thin peopleare good, healthy, and in control. This is not true and it is unfair and hurtful.

•     Do not tease people about being too fat, too thin, too short, or too tall. And, don’t laugh atother people’s jokes about fat (or thin) people or short (or tall) people. Teasing is unfair and it hurts.

•     If you hear someone (your mom or dad, a sister or a friend) say they are "too fat and needto go on a diet,"TELL THEM—Please don’t, because dieting to lose weight is not healthy—and no fun—for kids or adults. TELL THEM—You think they look great just the way they are.TELL THEM—Don’t diet; eat a variety of foods and get some exercise.TELL THEM—Remember, being "thinner" is not the same as being healthier and happier

•     Appreciate yourself for all you are – everyone should respect and like themselves, enjoyplaying and being active, and eat a variety of healthy foods.

 

Katja Rowell M.D. is a family doctor turned childhood feeding expert who leads workshops for parents, health care providers and therapists. She also works with clients struggling with feeding concerns in person and by phone. www.familyfooddynamics.com